Thursday, May 31, 2012


It occurred to me that I have gone almost the entire month of May without posting, and here it is, the last day of May! The title should indicate to you the reason, as well as my state of mind (all caps.)

It's pretty much identical to the state of mind in which I spent most finals weeks or final-papers weeks in college. Trouble focusing, especially on things that are not studying. For example, it is impossible to plan social engagements with me. When asked if I am free on Friday, I just stammer, "" both because I don't want to give up a valuable night of studying in my PJ's (broken up by re-watching Gilmore Girls, of course, and de-stress-cleaning something like the back of the toilet) and because I honestly have no idea. What's Friday? Oh yeah, that thing. What do I have planned? All I see is a huge void, not of free time but of static like the 18 hours of static in that Jodie Foster movie I saw once at a hotel in Florida about aliens and what, I just referenced a movie I haven't seen or heard about in more than ten years? Yup. Also, I have to STAY AWAY from Pinterest and even my beloved blogs, because it just makes me want to do all the projects, cook all the recipes involving ephemeral spring produce (sea beans and strawberries!?!?! should that also include morels?), and stop everything RIGHTNOW to buy the supplies for and make every DIY-not-buy household or hygiene product because Pinterest pins convince me that the time expended making my own deodorant will be more than compensated for by the extra relief and hence, productivity, that homemade functional aluminum-free deodorant will contribute to my remaining hours of study.

What is also familiar from college is the sudden feeling that, contrary to my confident beliefs a few weeks ago, I actually have SO MUCH to learn. It will probably fall into place closer to zero hour, right? because that happened in college, right? At least once? More than once? Why can't I remember a single occurrence of this!?!?!? Anyway, this hope is what I try to carry around despite the fact that the results when I quiz myself lately, frankly, stink. They stink worse than my stress-a-gestion. That is a new word I made up to describe stress-related indigestion. Gross, you say? Oh, like you don't know what I'm talking about!

Speaking of new words I made up, another thing that would be a fixation were I not so distracted would be VLH. That is my new abbreviation for, "visible leg hair," which I expect to use a lot the upcoming not-rainy season. This morning I left the house wearing a skirt having failed to check if I had any VLH, so now I'll have to consult my co-worker because I can't twist my head around that far.

VLH or not, as I was de-bussing this morning, my favorite panhandler shouted across the highway to me his usual "Hey gorgeous!". This was followed by something new; he added, "You get purtier every time I see you!"

He really said, "purtier." That made my morning even more than the compliment.

I'm setting this to auto-post, and if this is all you see, it means I ran out of time to write anything else today or to edit for clarity and brevity. See you later, like on June 12th!

Wednesday, May 16, 2012

Thing that happened after taking a practice LSAT

I am currently taking a break from Government School and taking a prep class for the LSAT, which I will take in early June. The way the class works is that you take an old LSAT in test-like settings, then have some lessons, then take another test at home in settings as test-like as you can create at home. You can imagine how that goes.

After scoring today's test, finding that it was (despite the decidedly un-test-like conditions of home, and my pencil breaking, and my crankiness at realizing I'd spent three hours of a beautiful day taking a stupid test) ten points higher than my diagnostic test, I decided to celebrate with a beer and some self-congratulatory chattering at Handsome Man, who proctored the test while brewing beer. He interrupted my reverie with what seemed to be an unrelated and totally senseless question.

Staring at my face, he asked, "Can you practice LA with a nosering?"

I assumed I had misheard, and he repeated.

What the hell is la with a nosering? I thought. Is he asking if I can practissla? That is not a word. What is la with a nosering???

I asked him, and he answered with a facial expression that would humble a person being smug about a pretend test score.

"THE THING YOU ARE STUDYING TO DO!" he responded. Or something to that effect.

That's when it dawned on me. Another difference in our accents. In my language, "dog" does not rhyme with "log." "Paunch-o" and "poncho" are pronounced differently. Whereas his dialect is such that hurt feelings have arisen from his misinterpretation of my comments regarding a tent-like garment one wears to keep out the rain.

My fiance pronounces "la" and "law" the same way. When he is singing a song, he might well be singing, "Law, law, law!"

I understand that this is how most Americans speak, and that New Jerseyans are a minority. A loud, nasal minority.

Speaking of things nasal, I have no idea if one can practice la(w) with a nosering. The answer to this question may vary from Portland to the world outside of Portland.