Thursday, May 05, 2011

The Thigh Prognosticator

Do you recall my mention of a scribble "to write about note" that was simply, "mom and heavy thighs"? As I mentioned previously, it's not as bad as it sounds.

I have never had heavy thighs. Even when I was an overweight child with baby fat that hung around for fourteen extra years, I had skinny legs. I'll never forget when a high school friend commented on them. She said, "You have really skinny legs!"

"Thanks!" I was flattered.

"No, I mean, you have really skinny legs and it looks really weird with the rest of you!"

THANKS.

Anyway, I could never forget that I had skinny legs because my mother always reminded me. Most mothers probably try to steer their daughters away from short shorts and miniskirts, but not my mother. She would tell me that most women would love to have skinny legs like mine and would never get to have them so I should show them off! I hated wearing shorts, for some reason, and I still feel uncomfortable in miniskirts because of the coffee cup shelf issue that has developed inexplicably in recent years.

This has the potential for mother-daughter disagreement, but nothing serious, of course. For example, whenever something comes into fashion that is particularly flattering to leggy women, my mother says, "You better wear that while it's in style, Sarah, or I'm disowning you as a daughter!" (Yes, Mom. You really did say that. I think it was the miniskirts with leggings and ballet flats. Or maybe it was fitted capri pants. Those were your exact words.)

But this is not the purpose of my post. This was just some preamble to help you understand the meaning of "heavy thighs" when emanating from my mother's mouth.

You see, when I was in high school, I frequently came into conflict with other girls. Like most high school girls. For example, a girl who was really just a tease would throw herself at a boy with no intention of actually being his girlfriend, or continuing her affections after one to three days had past, and it would be a boy with whom I had been building a slowly and steadily progression of shy flirtation. In minutes, it would all be destroyed. Although the girl would, in a few days, move on to someone else's crush or boyfriend, the object of my affection would be hopelessly infatuated with the other girl.

The girls in question were typically rail thin, and even at that age I was on the road to the coffee cup shelf. These girls were sometimes very pretty, but even if they weren't, they carried themselves with confidence that distracted from any hint of homeliness. My mother always had the same reassurance for me.

"Don't worry, Sarah," my mother would say. "She has heavy thighs."

"But! She's so skinny!"

"Take a look next time you all go to the lake. Why do you think she wears those tankinis with shorts? Heavy thighs!"

Other times, "She's prone to heavy thighs."

This meant, "She's thin now, but she's going to get heavy thighs."

There was also, "She has a tendency toward heavy thighs. You'll see."

This was not limited to boyfriend-stealing teases; any female who crossed my mother's daughter was fair game for their crural future to be read.

Credit for the title of this post must go to a friend whose real name I forgot to get permission to use. When I told her about this phenomenon, she declared that my mother is, "The Thigh Prognosticator." My mother has Thigh ESP. She has a gift to look at any woman and know what the state of their thighs will be if not by their late twenties, then at some point in their thirties or forties. While this was meaningless to me as a high schooler--the age, I'd like to add, when no boys ever publicly admitted to their preference for coffee-cup-shelves--this advice merely began in my high school years. It continued into college and beyond. The note from a year ago, while I do not remember writing it, has a background that I can pretty well imagine. In the midst of some girl drama, I told some friends, "I wish my mom were in Oregon so that she could tell me these girls had a tendency toward heavy thighs."

She may or may not have given me advice over the phone that ended with, "They probably have heavy thighs."

For the record, my mom never assigned heavy thighs toward women with no plausible tendency toward this fate, and she didn't really correlate heavy thighs with personality flaws. The fact is simply that thigh prophesying is my mother's go-to response to unkind behavior.

Also, thanks to this blog post, I learned the word, "crural," and that a fancy word for "leg man" could be "crurophile" or "crurofact." I wonder if there's a fancy word for "coffee cup shelf man."

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