I have a note to myself from Wednesday saying, "Write about the nightmares (violent discourse)." I mentioned in my grumpy post that I had nightmares about being chased or trapped the other night, and I wanted to elaborate on that because it's so strange and potentially disturbing. I don't know if I've been having these dreams every night, but I have been having them a lot the past two weeks. I tend to just wake up, realize it was a dream, and go back to sleep, not lie awake thinking about it. I know why I am having these dreams, and maybe you do, too. It started with learning on New Year's Eve about the murder of one of my childhood friends. Then, my car got broken into, and even though it was just my stuff and my car that got violated and not me personally, it compounded a feeling of unsafety, or the uncertainness of safety. The thing is, I think I saw the person, the night that it happened, who would later break into my car, idling in his or her or their own car across the street. Earlier in the week, I'd think about that person watching me wait in my car, put my iPod unsafely away in the center console, and walk into my apartment (by far the creepiest part.)
The "violent discourse" part about my note has to do with something I heard on NPR, which I am hearing a lot of now that I am sans iPod. My information and understanding on this matter might be incomplete, but one of the things that stood out to me was a report on violent discourse used in political speeches, discussions, whatever, of late, and people asking if that had a role in the shooting.
I think, probably not much of a role, because a crazy person is just that - crazy - and any number of things can drive them to act crazily. But I do think such discourse is in poor taste after the events, and in fact, now that I think of it, it's always in poor taste. Or at least, it's always unnecessary. But I am a little hypersensitive right now. I never noticed before how often people say, "I want to kill Soandso" when Soandso has merely annoyed them. It will probably come to no surprise to anyone who's been reading my blog this year that I've been hypersensitive to phrases, in reference to an annoying person, such as, "I'm going to strangle them!" (This actually happened last week, and I was kind of squirming in my chair, because the conversation kept on going, but I didn't want to say anything because I didn't want to be that person who makes everyone uncomfortable.
Boy, this is a depressing post.
When I was a little kid, my mom told me not to say, "I want to kill Soandso," when Soandso is annoying, and she lectured me in such a way, that it made such a strong impression that I still don't say it. It was a boy in my Kindergarten class named Kyle. We were friends that teased each other in that weird five-year-old way. When he had really, really annoyed me, my mother made the concession that I could say, "I hate Kyle so much, I hope he gets pneumonia!" This was so he could stay home from school and I wouldn't have to sit by him on the bus and be teased for singing the "Ahh-ahh-ahhh" song from The Little Mermaid.
(I hope that was a happier note to end with.)