Saturday, January 09, 2010

Premonition?

    Trying to locate a 2009 list of New Year's Resolutions, I found the following posted on January 3, 2009:

This is how I have been feeling, lately, with a lot of things. I do one challenging thing, and I think, well, what next? I used to be so afraid of the world. I don't feel that way right now. I have nothing to lose, I keep saying. It is the opposite of how I am accustomed to living life.
I'm going to go with this feeling, if that's what January 2009 is going to be about, and see where I end up. And I will write about it.


    When I read this I thought, "That is not how I remember January 2009. I remember being stressed out, unhappy, lachrymose--a big old mess. Oh, let's not forget paranoid."
    Although this negativity eventually yielded to a determination to change the course of my life--a determination to be happy--I have no recollection of feeling so happy and confident on January 3! But then I remembered that it was January 5 when jury duty began, and thus my 2009 took a turn for the Crazy. I wrote that italicized paragraph before the turn, when I had no idea where I was going to end up.

    What I do recall from early January is that I had plans--plans to PLAN. I was going to organize and schedule my whole life! Or at least everyday life. I was going to organize my stuff, my closet, my diet, my finances, and my time. This goal required being home a lot, however, and jury duty (and all that followed) made that impossible.

    Once I realized the year was not going to be stable (geographically or otherwise), I let go of the obsession with planning. To some extent at least. I began to re-prioritize, let go, and accept that my life's accomplishments are not outweighed by the fact that my socks don't match. I realized that my spreadsheets would not be useful to me when I moved to places where they were geographically irrelevant. I relaxed. I may have given up on some of the goals!

    Yesterday, I realized that the things I have been doing--shopping for wardrobe staples, taking my shoes to the cobbler, sorting through every box of every item I've ever owned and recycling or donating the cast-offs--work toward the organizational goals I originally set for 2009. Without planning on it, I am organizing things. I think that this--January 2010--is my second chance at January 2009. Or at least the goals of January 2009.

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