Thursday, December 24, 2009

On dating

Since Tuesday, a friend and I have been at work crafting an expression that we think is quite clever.
    In the realm that lies between a "dealbreaker" and a "keeper," there is another type of man which I call the OifHBHOC. We think we should treat it as a noun, pronouncing it like a whole word--oifhbhoc. People will think it's some pretentious German phrase, pronounced something like "eufbach." (I hope that's not a real word.) It means, "Only if He Brings His Own Condom."
    Both OifHBHOC and oifhbhoc are correct. Its proper usage in a sentence might be something like, "He's nice and fun, but he flakes on plans all the time, and that makes him an oifhbhoc."
    The post would have ended there, but on Christmas Eve, I remembered two other dating-related terms I've used which were actually invented by others of my acquaintance. The first is in case of emergency, break glass (also a noun). I think this is one is pretty obvious. It can be capitalized (In Case of Emergency, Break Glass) or not. The comma after "emergency," though grammatically correct, is optional. Omitting the comma increases the sense of urgency.
    Usage in a sentence might be, "I need a date to that party, so I am going to call my in case of emergency, break glass."
    The second was invented by one (or two) of my college roommates. It is The Guy Who Can Do No Wrong. (I think this one should be always capitalized. Of course it can be The Girl Who Can Do No Wrong, too.) It is the individual by whom one can be mistreated and who can commit any error of taste, fashion, or propriety, and the offense will unequivocally be forgiven and forgotten. It takes a major transgression for a man to lose Guy Who Can Do No Wrong status. Usage in a sentence could be, "My Guy Who Can Do No Wrong did wrong; he stood me up on my birthday." It could also be, "She found the Spice Girls on his iPod and she doesn't even care! He's her Guy Who Can Do No Wrong!"
    You can see how these two terms might work together. To your in case of emergency, break glass, you may be the Guy/Girl Who Can Do No Wrong. (Clearly this is in many cases a relationship with a dangerous balance of power.) Frequently, two people are one another's in case of emergency, break glass. I think it goes without saying that one's in case of emergency, break glass is frequently an OifHBHOC.
    What I never took into account before is how fine the line is between In Case of Emergency, Break Glass and The Guy Who Can Do No Wrong. One can cross from the former to the latter with an imperceptible, inexplicable movement.

Credit to CC for helping me perfect the pronunciation, spelling, and usage of "OifBHOC."

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