Saturday, July 26, 2008

Reflecting

What a lame blog post title!
My posts are really draft-y and all over the place right now; my head is in too many places to really focus on any one thing.
However, all the pressure I've been under (the wording my boss used; it was nice to have someone acknowledge it even before I did) is starting to let up, and I think the rest of the summer should be pretty calm.
Yesterday turned out to be unexpectedly great in many ways.
First, I had to drive across town to another facility to get some software training for work. To do this, I passed the neighborhood I'll be moving into next month. I made some wrong turns and did a little exploring by accident, and saw that I'm moving into a REALLY nice town. When I first drove towards the center of town, all these attractive old churches and buildings loomed overhead. Driving on side streets trying to get back to route 510 (there's this dumb circle and it's really difficult to tell which lane you should be in though I'm sure I'll figure it out with practice) I saw all kinds of great things, like a record store and antique shops. Not to mention my house will be across the street from one of the boundaries of a national park. The house is pretty much in the woods; the yard is full of trees and very very shady. I hope the landlord-and-lady let me turn part of their yard into a shade garden. (I'm a little obsessed with shade gardens right now.) I know a couple of people who live or work in the area or will be close enough to visit me, and I think I'll be able to come down here on weekends or something to see all of my friends that I'm leaving behind. Plus, I'm sure I'll make new friends. The fact that I'm going to be living alone has me a bit apprehensive that I'll be lonely--but I'll get used to it and probably end up seeing everyone so much more often than I think is possible now. That's how it always works out anyway.
Yesterday afternoon, when I got home from work (it was like 7PM but felt like afternoon, it was so bright out) I felt a little choked up. The house hasn't felt like a home since I got back from my road trip, simply because everything is being packed up and everyone is in and out of the place so much--we are rarely all there together at the same time anymore. But it still resembles home enough, the place where we had pizza dinners and parties, enough to make me sad and miss those things.
Since I'm going in sequential order, this is a good place to interject that I also had about an hour of panic where I believed I had lost my passport. Because I am me. The passport was in a perfectly rational place, exactly where I left it - the cabinet of my nightstand next to my bed. But when I REALLY need something (a passport, a credit card) I just ASSUME that, since I'm me, it's not in a rational place and it's LOST, and instead of the first place I look being a cabinet or my desk, the first place I look is the floor. Well, I found my passport. In about twenty minutes, I had everything I wanted to pack set aside. After work, I'm going to my parents' house where the clothes I'm bringing and all that stuff is, doing last minute laundry, and packing the bags.
Fortunately, Elena was around yesterday evening. She came over, we hung out, and then we went to Rita's for Italian/lemon/water ices. I'm trying to not spend money, but sometimes you need to go out! so I'm adding a line to my budget for "going out for coffee/beer/dinner/ice cream." Anyway, I didn't realize their Italian ices are so good!!!!
When we came back, my downstairs neighbor (who was doing something mysterious in the shed when we left; without thinking I told him he looked like a criminal...ugh why am I such a tool?) had set up some new outdoor furniture with candles and citronella torches. We thought we'd go say hi to him and have our ices back there...but there was no one there. So we plopped down, even though we suspected this was the setup for a date, and used his table and candlelight. I couldn't stop laughing when he and his gf and some other people came out...but then they just pulled up more chairs and offered us some food and invited us to hang out with them. After Elena left, I planned to go to bed as soon as was polite, but I ended up staying out there until after midnight. I had such a nice time! This was the New Brunswick summer I had expected and hoped for--not coming home to an empty house and rushing around to get my clothes and lunch and everything ready for the next day, while thinking, "How the hell am I going to pack up and move all this stuff out of here!?"-- but coming home from work, hanging out with people, relaxing in the backyard.
I'm looking forward to the things I'm going to do when I get back next weekend so much that I've forgotten how much fun the trip will be. (Plus, the fact that I'm going to a cool city keeps getting obscured by anxiety over the science aspect of the trip. Which is dumb; nothing bad will happen.)
The last thing I did was do some cleaning in the bathroom and straighten my room a little bit. I hung up the USA road map, with various routes highlighted on it from the second night of our road trip, on the wall. Before I leave today, I'm going to put some moving-out things in my car and vacuum my bedroom, so that when I come back from Vancouver, it will look like home again and not like a sad, junky place full of boxes.
I was so happy here, all year. But I realize that it wasn't the place so much that made me happy; I need to separate these things in the not logical, emotional part of my mind. This house, this street, this crappy city--they are not the people that made me happy or the events. They are just things. There'd be no guarantee that I could hold onto those people and things if I stayed here; nor am I necessarily going to lose them when I leave.
Still, I'm glad I have a month left.

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